How many times can we silence our intuition, suppress our feelings, swallow our words, or tolerate unhealthy situations before there are consequences?
And if there are consequences, where do they show up first?
In our relationships? In our work? In our emotions? In our bodies?
What happens within the body when we know something feels off, but we push through or turn a blind eye anyway?
These are questions I’ve been thinking about recently.
I have worked in a highly toxic environment. Like many people, I convinced myself that I had no choice.
Because of various obligations, I needed a job. I needed the income. I needed an income which quite frankly, seemed to disappear faster than I could say, “I have a job.”
No sooner had payday arrived than the money was gone. There was always more month at the end of the money.
There was more stress. More frustration. Less self-worth.
Achievements were measured by family and friends through material possessions; a bigger car. A bigger house. A bigger television. Material possessions.
And, of course, with these came more debt and more interest on the debt.
Like a rat on a hamster-wheel, I found myself in a never-ending cycle. I worked harder, stayed later, and hoped for promotions. But with every promotion or pay rise, the obligations rose to meet the salary.
The more I earned, the more I needed to earn.
And so the wheel just kept turning.
The system didn’t make it easier. The more money I earned, the more I was taxed. The more I accumulated, the more insurance I needed.
Insurance for death. Insurance for life. Insurance for my car. Insurance for my home.
Taxes. Levies. Rates. Water. Electricity. These being a fraction of where money leaked to, the list – longer than my payslip.
And so, for many of us, the dream quietly died.
Anyway, hadn’t they drummed it into our heads for twelve years of schooling that we should stop daydreaming?
What about the family members and friends who laughed when we shared what we wanted to become one day?
“You’re crazy.”
“Stop daydreaming.”
“Go find a job.”
“Get married.”
“Buy a house.”
“Have children.”
What they ommitted to add was; “Spend the rest of your life chasing your tail.”
And many of us did. And many of us died…chasing our tails, forced to give up our peace and joy. Why? “I have no choice. I have a family to feed.” Because… they said, “Go find a job, get married, buy a house, have children, buy a bigger house. Don’t forget to throw in a bigger car…” And so many of us did…at what cost?
We spend years trying to exist in a world that seems more interested in producing workers than helping people to discover who they were created to be.
Why were so many of us educated primarily to find jobs rather than discover our gifts, purpose, and potential? Why does the system seem to reward conformity more than creativity? Why is fitting in often safer than asking difficult questions?
We are trained to comply. Encouraged to conform. We are rewarded for following the rules.
Is it any wonder then that we sometimes turn a blind eye to the injustice around us? When being accepted becomes more important than being authentic. When being liked becomes more important than doing what is right. When keeping our position becomes more important than speaking the truth.
And so… many of us lose ourselves.
If we weren’t exhausted by toxic school environments, we found ourselves exhausted by toxic workplaces. If we weren’t worn down by stress, we were worn down by routine.
Doing the same thing day after day. Week after week. Year after year.
Not because it brought us joy. But because we believed we had no choice. By the time the weekend arrives, many of us are too exhausted to do anything meaningful.
Instead of seeking answers, we seek distractions. Instead of finding purpose, we dull our senses. There is no shortage of vices available to help us do exactly that.
In fact, they’ve been oversupplied.
Yet, all the while, something within us asks quietly:
“Is this really all there is?”
Perhaps the deeper question is this; Is there a fine line between integrity and self-betrayal? What happens when we repeatedly choose what we know is wrong for us?
Not once. Not twice. But over months. Over years. Even decades.
Can we really expect there to be no consequences?
Can we continue ignoring our conscience, our intuition, our values, and our dreams without something eventually breaking down?
Can we really live on auto-pilot for most of our lives and never stop to ask ourselves why we’re here? But also then, to stop and seek the answers?
What if the discomfort we feel is not a sign that something is wrong with us, but a sign that something is missing?
What if that quiet restlessness is trying to tell us that we were created for more than simply running on a hamster wheel?
More than earning a salary. More than paying bills. More than surviving from one weekend to the next.
Is there more to life?
And if there is, what happens when we spend years ignoring this question?
If something eventually breaks down, is it possible that the first signs appear within us?
Spiritually. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically.
As Christians, do we ask ourselves; “What would Jesus do?”
Did He ever knowingly choose what was wrong because it was easier? Did He ever abandon truth because it was inconvenient? Did He ever compromise His purpose to gain approval?
The answer seems obvious, yet many of us do exactly that. Not because we are bad people. But because we are afraid.
Afraid of change. Afraid of uncertainty. Afraid of disappointing others. Afraid of stepping away from what is familiar.
So we stay. So we shrink. So we die…albeit, slowly
And we tell ourselves that God understands. After all, we attend church on Sunday. We say our prayers when life becomes difficult. We promise to spend more time with Him when things improve.
We bargain with God. We negotiate. We endure.
Yet years later, the job remains the same. The environment becomes more toxic. Our peace disappears. And God feels like distant.
And we find ourselves asking:
“Oh my God, Why?”
But perhaps there is another question worth asking;
Is it possible to have a meaningful relationship with someone we engage with once a week and only speak to when we are desperate?
Would that work in a marriage? Would that work in a friendship? Maybe in a family relationship?
Why then do we expect it to work with God, whose one desire is to have an intimate relationship with us individually?
Consider this. Perhaps the body is not the enemy. Perhaps it is simply the messenger. A messenger alerting us that something within us is out of alignment.
Perhaps the message is that, a boundary has been crossed. That a truth has been ignored. That a purpose has been neglected, or that a relationship that was meant to be nurtured has been left unattended.
Sometimes the greatest act of courage is not learning to speak. Sometimes it is learning to listen. To our conscience. To our intuition. To our bodies.
And perhaps, most importantly, to our God who loves us oh so dearly.
Today’s Thought
If there’s a feeling of discomfort within you, could it be a sign that something important is trying to get your attention?
If you’d like to share your thoughts, you’re welcome to contact me at books@eugenemarillier.com
I also publish reflective essays and ongoing writing at www.eugenemarillier.com
With love always,
Eugene Marillier 🌿🕊️
