For most of my life, money was never just money.
It was survival.
It was fear.
It was permission or punishment.
I grew up believing that there was never enough —
and if somehow there was enough, it wouldn’t last long.
Money was something to chase, cling to, or fear losing —
but never something to trust, love, or partner with.
Only now, walking deeper with Spirit, have I begun to understand:
Money was never meant to be my master.
It was meant to be my servant.
A tool of provision, a current of freedom,
flowing through the hands of a heart anchored in trust, not fear.
As I grew older and began earning my own money,
the feeling of “never enough” never left me.
Even when my salary was good by the world’s standards,
I could never seem to stretch it far enough.
Millions may have passed through my hands —
but money came quickly and left even faster.
I remember having anxiety and even nightmares when money started to dwindle.
When I had it, I was fearful of losing it.
When I didn’t, I was completely out of sorts.
I would periodically dream of lions chasing me — a recurring terror I didn’t understand at first.
It was only after years of asking why that I realised:
the dreams always came when money was getting low,
when it seemed impossible to cover what was needed.
As a single parent, I had no one to turn to.
I was the one people borrowed money from —
but when I needed help, I stood alone.
I didn’t have the ‘know-how’ to borrow money, even from friends.
It wasn’t pride — it was just that my wiring had always been:
“You take care of others. You carry it all.”
I carried my mother.
I carried some of my siblings.
I carried my children — and when they grew up,
I carried my grandchildren too.
It took years — and more financial storms than I can count —
before I finally began to understand the deeper truth.
Even now, it is not a perfect journey.
Slowly, tenderly, layer by layer, the old fears are still peeling away.
Spirit began — and still is — whispering to me, even in my lowest moments:
“You were not created to fear provision.
You were created to trust it.”
There are days I still have to remind myself:
If nothing else — trust God.
If nothing else — have faith.
In the quiet corners of my home, I have posted reminders on my walls —
The Lord’s Prayer, and the words of Psalm 23:
“The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.”
These are no longer just scriptures I recite —
they are declarations I live by.
I call on Jehovah Jireh — my Provider — The Source of all provision,
not only in desperation but now in devotion.
My relationship with money is constantly being tested —
sometimes through unexpected expenses, sometimes through seasons of lack,
and sometimes simply through the temptation to worry instead of trust.
But even in the testing, I am no longer walking alone.
Money no longer holds me hostage the way it once did.
Fear no longer rules my decisions the way it once did.
I am building my faith daily —
faith that my needs will be met,
faith that abundance flows when fear is surrendered,
faith that I was never meant to walk this road alone.
Jehovah Jireh — the same yesterday, today, and forever — walks with me still.
I started to understand:
money comes and goes, but God remains constant.
My provision is not limited to what I see in my account.
My source is not man-made.
My Source is divine — limitless, faithful, and abundant.
The more I surrender my fears,
the more peace settles over my me —
even when the numbers don’t add up.
I realise: It wasn’t about chasing money.
It was about chasing trust and cultivating faith.
And trust, knowing, certainty always led me back to Him.
Healing my relationship with money wasn’t an overnight awakening.
It has been a slow, sometimes painful process of unlearning years — even generations — of old conditioning.
Along the way, Spirit placed the right teachers, communities, and nudges on my path.
One of the greatest blessings was discovering
a money tribe that changed everything for me —
a community that didn’t just talk about budgeting or saving,
but who taught me how to have a relationship with more than just my money.
They taught me that money is a conversation, not a commandment.
It flows when it feels respected.
It stays when it feels valued.
It multiplies when it is partnered with trust.
I began treating my money with the same love, attention, and prayer I would give to anything else important in my life.
I stopped seeing money as a villain to defeat,
or a scarce ghost that might disappear without warning.
If you’d like to know more about how I started healing and growing, you can read my post titled
From Confusion to Creation: I Wrote My Second Book.
I now see money as a gift,
a tool,
a seed…something entrusted to me by a faithful Source who is never limited by numbers on a screen.
Today, my relationship with money is still growing, still healing.
But now, I move with peace, not panic.
I steward with gratitude, not fear.
I sow and spend with wisdom — knowing my real Provider has already gone ahead of me.
If you’ve ever felt trapped by money —
by fear, by scarcity, by survival —
know that you are not alone.
Healing your relationship with money is not about chasing wealth.
It’s about chasing freedom.
It’s about stepping into a life where peace, trust, and provision walk hand in hand.
It’s about surrendering your fears to an All-Knowing Source.
Today, I invite you to start a new conversation with your money —
to treat it with respect, with care, and with faith.
Because when you heal your heart and mind,
you heal your hands.
And where your hands heal, abundance flows.
“I love money and money loves me.”
That’s a start.
Remember — there’s a difference between making money your god and having a relationship with money.
Find the knowledge. Know the difference. Pray for a better understanding. Do your research.
Here’s a great place to begin: A money tribe that changed everything for me
🌸 What Helped Me — And What Can Help You 🌸
If you are struggling with money —
or feeling trapped, stuck, overwhelmed —
know this:
You need help.
And that’s not a weakness.
It’s the beginning of freedom.
You cannot heal your relationship with money, or any deep area of struggle, alone.
You were never meant to.
Most often, it’s not just about the money.
It’s about the fear underneath.
The unspoken wounds.
The years of believing you’re alone.
The silent agreements we make with lack, survival, and shame.
Real healing — lasting healing — must be holistic.
Spirit, mind, heart, body, and money all need to be aligned under truth and grace.
It’s a journey.
I highly recommend finding a mentor —
someone who has a proven, Spirit-led, healthy relationship not just with money, but with life itself.
Not everyone can guide you.
Seeking advice from those without real wisdom will only deepen your confusion.
When you reach out to God,
Spirit will lead you —
to the right people,
to the right books,
to the right seminars, webinars, and communities.
But first, you must ask for help.
You must acknowledge that you need guidance.
You must surrender your worries at Heaven’s feet.
I personally recommend starting your journey with a trusted community/ies or mentor/s.
This community — A money tribe that changed everything for me — helped me when I needed it most.
The Money Tribe, led by Justin Harrison and his team, taught me not just about money,
but about cultivating a healthy, respectful relationship with myself, my faith, my future, and my environment.
Above all, cling to the promises of God:
✨ “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” — Matthew 6:33
✨ “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” — Jeremiah 29:11
🌸 Coming Soon: My Vow of Silence – A Spiritual Journal
If this post stirred something deep within you,
I’m humbled to share that a journal is on the way.
It’s called My Vow of Silence — a 40-day journey of spiritual stillness, healing, and holy reconnection.
It’s designed to help you sit with God, hear more clearly, and return home to yourself.
Stay close. It’s nearly ready. 🕊️✨
💌 Need someone to talk to?
If this post spoke to your heart or echoed your own walk with God, I warmly invite you to reach out.
You can leave a comment below or email me directly at books@eugenemarillier.com —
I’d be honoured to listen, pray with you, or simply hold space for you.
Please note: I respond personally when I can, but even if I can’t reply immediately,
I’m holding space and praying for those who reach out. 🕊️
With love always,
Eugene Marillier
🕊️🌿
